i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
