Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
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