I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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