What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Randomize
