somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
You dont lie about slip and slides
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
