he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
