His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
