my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
