Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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