wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
