There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
