I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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