Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Randomize
