his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
