nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
