I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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