he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
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