My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Randomize
