I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
