You can't special order awesome
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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