I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
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