Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Randomize
