this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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