I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
