Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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