Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
