I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
