My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
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