Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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