i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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