I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
