Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
