I wish my penis had an off switch
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Randomize
