My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
