youre lurking in front of me
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Even my vagina gasped.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
He? As in you personified your dick?
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Randomize
