The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
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