This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Randomize
