i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
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