i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
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