Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
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