i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
