Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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