sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
my poor anus
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
