My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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