You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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