I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
You need Xanax blowdarts
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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