bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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