This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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