When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Randomize
