And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Randomize
