I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
