I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
