All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
You dont lie about slip and slides
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
