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If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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